The Savagery of Trust
Abuse, Sex and Addiction in Online Communities
Lee Baldwin
Copyright Lee Baldwin 2009
@ArtOfSilence
3. Role Play, Illusion, and Abuse
All the Internet’s a Stage
I’ve pointed out that all avatar chat is autonomous role play wish-fulfillment fantasy, but there are also formal role play (RP) structures that people join and follow, like a soap opera in which they participate. It is like improv theater. It can be scheduled, but frequently is performed ad hoc whenever two or more of the RP characters find themselves online and get together in a scene.
The ingredients of formal RP include characters, a storyline, and an overall goal or story arc for the cast to pursue. To name one, IMVU in Fall 2009 listed nearly 15,000 RP groups. RP themes run a wide gamut but there is a concentration of vampires, demons, Druids, furries, lycans, fairies, dragons, Harry Potter storylines, and so on. Anime, Manga, Naruto, clans and families, popular comic books and cartoon characters abound… and many are dark and medieval. There are SciFi worlds, BDSM, Gor, witch covens, blood, magic, dark anything, kingdoms, demons, slavery, subjugation, necro, shadows, mafia, gangsters, Pokemon, various made-up or literary clans, empires, lost worlds, Angels, Gothic, Industrial, Punk, Wiccan… any story you can imagine might be playing out in a chatroom. Too bad perhaps, but I have yet to see an RP based on themes of classical opera, such as Wagner’s Ring cycle (Twilight of the Gods is such a great name) or works of Puccini, Verdi, Mozart, etc.
If there were a father and a mother to online role play, it would be the comic books of the last 50 years and perhaps the sweep of operatic stage.
Besides a flair for the dramatic, RP groups require energy and organization. The leader invites players to join a group discussion forum devoted to the RP, they discuss and agree on a role for each player, then player and leader post the character’s backstory in the forum. The player must go shopping for the right duds! Players then meet in chatrooms belonging to the group (proper stage dressing is also a must) and carry on improv dialog, each one addressing others by their character names and behaving according to their backstory. The leaders or organizers update the forum daily with developments and events (yesterday so-and-so was killed, ran away, joined, fell in love with character XYZ, and so on). Players add questions and new story ideas to the forum, which becomes ad hoc stage direction and plot history. It is the responsibility of each player to read the latest group posts daily to ensure they are up on the action. It breaks the flow to discuss developing story context in the chat itself, or to respond in dialog from old information. A basic rule of improv is, never turn down a proposition, meaning if a character invents faster than light travel in RP dialog no one can say no it does not exist, they have to deal with the concept going forward.
All elements of online chat revolve around writing skills, so it is key that the players are on par or can at least understand one another.
BDSM Role Play
BDSM is a compound acronym coined from bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, and is a popular theme in avatar chatrooms. BDSM is a power game that might or might not have a sexual component (but hey why leave it out? – LOL), with two primary roles, the Top, or dominant, and the Bottom, or sub. Tops also refer to themselves as Doms and usually require address by some title such as Miss, Madame or Domme, Master, etc. In typed chat, the name and title of the Dom is always capitalized (often pronouns as well such as Hers or His) while subs’ names and pronouns are always lower case (her, girl, that one, etc.).
It is quite easy to find partners for BDSM role play simply by typing the acronym into the search for a room or scene, an avatar, or a discussion group. Visiting random scenes will turn up a BDSM theater before you know it, as they are so numerous. Then name your poison – a player can just drop in and get acquainted – or completely tied up in it.
BDSM RP scenes seldom lack for bondage furniture (think Spanish Inquisition style decor), which emphasizes the control aspect of the life, and the scenes themselves are frequently dark, dungeon-like caverns with low ceilings and lots of bars, torches flickering on the walls, thrones for the dominants and guests, and various poses of subjugation for the subs who enter. In avatar chat RP of course, being controlled is voluntary, as the player needs to merely move to another position or X out (close the scene window) to take back control. However, that breaks the RP, in which has suspension of disbelief is a binding theme har har. But one must reflect that even in RL, BDSM is voluntary, the key difference from avatar chat BDSM is that you could be really tied up.
In RL and chat, the two keys to the BDSM lifestyle are respect and trust. Trust is more of a requisite in RL, as the sub needs to know that they are physically safe. The trust aspect normally carries over into chat RP as much of the improv dialog depends on a safe relationship between the parties. Respect must be clear, as the parties are present in the chat purely through lifestyle choice and it is chiefly that choice that is respected.
Gorean Role Play
One popular OC RP theme is Gor, based on a series of science fiction novels by John Norman. Gor is a distant Earth-like world, where women have three role choices: slaves, Free Women, or Panthers, which are a kind of rebel outcast. Males can be warriors, lieutenants, commanders, swords, and so on, and attain dominance according to how they cope with events.
Visually, Gor is long-haired, voluptuous maidens and muscled warriors, clad in heroic, medieval operatic garb. But it is more than that. Entire books have been written on Gorean RP, so this is only an introduction. At first glance, Gor is simply a male dominated society, yet there are layers of control and dominance that at times lead to role reversal. The maxim, ‘The Slave is the Master’ sometimes holds true.
Slaves are “collared” by their Masters, wearing collar jewelry that indicates their owner and status, and can be “force collared” and even “killed” (meaning deleting the player’s account entirely). All this is by agreement within the boundaries of the RP and cannot actually be forced on anyone or their avatar. However it becomes part of the player’s role and part of the play. Misbehave and you might be banned from the game – tsk tsk.
Adherents of Gorean RP have a deep respect for the life, with such claims as needing two years and full knowledge of the dozens of novels Norman published to completely master the levels and nuances.
Just since you’re so curious, here are the ten Gorean rules for slaves:
1. Slave Rule One – All Freepersons are to be addressed as either Master or Mistress. If the sex of the Freeperson can not be determined from the name, Master is to be used until the gender is clarified.
2. Slave Rule Two – Serve Every Master or Mistress as if your well-being depends on being pleasing – it does.
3. Slave Rule Three – While a Freeperson may not always be right, they are, by definition, never WRONG. Slaves always have the last word in any disagreement… the words “Yes, Master”…
4. Slave Rule Four – Jealousy and Possessiveness have killed more slaves than disobedience.
5. Slave Rule Five – Slaves do not use the first person pronoun. There is not “I”, “me” or “mine” in a slave vocabulary. Slaves refer to themselves as ‘This One’.
6. Slave Rule Six – Perfection of Service and Submission is the goal, mere excellence will be tolerated.
7. Slave Rule Seven – Your collar carries the honor of your owner. Your attitude can make it as light as a feather or as heavy as a mountain.
8. Slave Rule Eight – If there are none requiring service, use the time to clean, cook, bake, practice serving techniques with your sisters or learn about Gor. Do not be idle.
9. Slave Rule Nine – Slaves possess nothing not given to them by their owner, including their name. What is given can be taken away. If you are entrusted to carry a name for an owner, or silks or jewelry, remember that these can be removed as easily as they were given.
10. Slave Rule Ten – The merest whim of your owner is your highest law. And lawbreakers are punished.
Again, the true coin of RP is time spent online. A player is relevant only as long as group memory persists, and in chat, that is measured in days.
Misbehavior and Abuse
First of all, what do I mean by abuse? There are the typical kinds of abuse seen in chatrooms, such as players verbally abusing others or interacting with their avatar in unwanted ways, or stalking an avatar so they continually show up in the same chatrooms to continue the unwanted behavior. This type of abuse is generally covered by abuse reporting or blocking features.
A more subtle kind of abuse is gaining someone’s trust, then savgely revealing it to be a lie.
Contributed by former IMVU player StephanieStarlight.
Here’s how people might behave or misbehave in avatar chat. They make friends. They make enemies. Some fall in love, get engaged, break up, have sex with multiple partners. Some actually marry, and receive gifts, are betrayed, split up. Some find photographs of their special person, clearly nakie, with some strange avi. The impact of this can be just as devastating as it would be in RL.
This is a conversation I had online, something relatively short that illustrates how sticky and convoluted the emotional glue can become. Yes this happened to me. Only one other person witnessed it, the other party to the conversation.
This convo illustrates the extremes to which the overall masquerade can go in online chat. The avatar Pretender-101 in this chat had initiated a lesbian love affair with me, StephanieStarlite, in the weeks prior to this conversation. In an earlier chat, Pretender-101 had divulged the fact that she had been acting as a prostitute in avatar chats for the purpose of earning credits from other avatars. I had essentially accepted this as a fact of life, my feelings for Pretender-101 were strong enough – and misguided enough – to maintain the relationship.
Pretender-101 sends a chat invite to my avatar, and I accept the invitation. It always takes a minute or so for the room to load (rezz) on each user’s computer.
Pretender-101: I made it
Pretender-101: almost didn’t wake up, but i made it
Pretender-101: brb (brb means ‘be right back’ – she is inactive for 5 minutes while her avi just sits there looking around the room)
Pretender-101: back
Pretender-101: you there?
StephanieStarlite: good morning
Pretender-101: what’s up?
StephanieStarlite: what do you mean what’s up? You called me
StephanieStarlite: i thought we were getting together yesterday, i waited for you is wat
Pretender-101: I tried
Pretender-101: I really really did
Pretender-101: I was soooo tired
StephanieStarlite: did yu see the pix i sent?
Pretender-101: of me?
StephanieStarlite: yes
StephanieStarlite: i put a link in yr messages
Pretender-101: oh yes they look great
StephanieStarlite: o good glad yu like them
Pretender-101: Stephanie how do you really feel about me?
StephanieStarlite: omg
StephanieStarlite: i feel like yu are putting on the brakes every other time we chat
StephanieStarlite: but i tole yu i like yu consistently since we met
Pretender-101: there is a reason I keep putting on the breaks
StephanieStarlite: and that would be…
Pretender-101: I have feelings for you
Pretender-101: I enjoy talking to you so much
Pretender-101: anyway I love our conversations
Pretender-101: I love spending time with you
StephanieStarlite: m
Pretender-101: you are so quiet
Pretender-101: it is making me nervous
StephanieStarlite: yu seem to be leading somewhere, i wait
Pretender-101: I care about you so so much, that is why I can’t have these feelings anymore
StephanieStarlite: wat feelings can yu not have hon?
Pretender-101: the feelings
Pretender-101: of you making me feel good
Pretender-101: and in a way… feelings of love
StephanieStarlite: so yu don’t want too allow yurself to be happie with me?
Pretender-101: Not like this
StephanieStarlite: like wat exactly?
Pretender-101: *sighs*
Pretender-101: well…
Pretender-101: I’m a bad person
Pretender-101: I never wanted to hurt you or anyone, but I got too deep with you
StephanieStarlite: therefore one that is not to be cared for?
Pretender-101: right
StephanieStarlite: for me there is one issue and one issue only
Pretender-101: oh?
StephanieStarlite: whether you wd enjoy spending time with me or not
StephanieStarlite: whatever else you may do on here with any customers
StephanieStarlite: so yu think yu are in too deep with me?
Pretender-101: Look Stephanie, Our relationship has been totally honest
StephanieStarlite: yes i feel that it has
Pretender-101: except for one Thing
Pretender-101: I’m an Actor I go to work everyday, All the stores i’ve told you havae been true… all
Pretender-101: the feelings I’ve had have been true.
Pretender-101: But I’m a liar
Pretender-101: I am an actor I lie for a living
StephanieStarlite: I don’t know that? I know how actors operate.
Pretender-101: I am really Ralph
StephanieStarlite: LOL well yu r a Gemini…
Pretender-101: No i really am a man
Pretender-101: and i want to know you as a man
StephanieStarlite: Anna?
Pretender-101: ?
StephanieStarlite: Anna – that part you played in [Name of an actual Stage Play]
StephanieStarlite: [name of actual theatre company] cast list
Pretender-101: That was last year’s cast list, I was in that.
StephanieStarlite: Anna, played by Suzi?
StephanieStarlite: Why did you take the name Suzi?
Pretender-101: That was somebody in the production
StephanieStarlite: How convenient. Why not take a name from the obituary column?
Pretender-101: How do you know all this.
StephanieStarlite: It’s called the Internet hon. Only from things you told me yourself
Pretender-101: I have sseemed confusing to you because I have been acting like a woman with you. But I want to be totally honest and be with you as I really am
StephanieStarlite: The other day you were totally honest, and you told me you are a whore on IMVU Providing cybersex for credits
StephanieStarlite: you put me through two hours of deep work trying to sort out all the feelings that brought up
StephanieStarlite: and i found out i could still care for you
Pretender-101: yes but i want you to love me as i am
StephanieStarlite: no, all you are doing is providing another reason to not have an intimate relationship with anyone
Pretender-101: no I am trying to tell you that I want to love you as who I really am
StephanieStarlite: the shit in here has suddenly become way too deep for me
Pretender-101: wait wait wait
StephanieStarlite: take care of you. i am out
- – -
I left the chat, and immediately received a invite from Pretender-101, this time with a bearded male avi pic in place of the pony-tailed girl I was used to seeing. That, I concluded, was what he/she/it had been doing during the original brb – changing the avatar profile to male. I placed the avatar on my blocked list, preventing further chat requests or messages.
Pretender-101 sounded rehearsed. She/he/it was 24 hours late for a date we had made, and her/his/its speech was not normal. The line, ‘…you are making me nervous’ seemed to indicate delay on my part, but in the dialog there was no delay. Capitalizing Thing and Actor was a giveaway, as Pretender-101 had never used caps for nouns. In short, I felt the missed chat appointment and the prepared feel of Pretender-101’s remarks, along with the revelation, indicated to me that he/she/it was simply playing me for a patsy.
The next day I received a friend request from an avatar I had never seen before. The look, the creation date (that same day), the avi name, and the home state clued me it was the same person trying to chat through another avi, so I blocked that one immediately. I later got a friend request from another unknown avatar, which I simply declined. Pretender-101 visited my profile page several times over the next few days. A page visit places the avi pic in the Visitors panel, and so was an annoyance just because I had to see it there. I turned my visitors panel off for a couple weeks and happily never saw that avi again.
I learned something about myself as I reviewed that convo… that I was willing to accept almost anything in exchange for affection, be it cyberlove or cybersex. Pretender-101 is only one example of the damaged people I came in contact with online, and I was struck by the glaring truth that my own damage was an attraction to them. That was my first meeting with real abuse online. This was my first red flag about addiction.
–contributed by former IMVU user StephanieStarlight
This experience shines a light on abuse in autonomous roleplay. Pretender-101, from the look of it, was not being truthful about one or more of the ASL basics (age, sex, location), and was working that against trusting players for whatever inner entertainment might come.