Abuse, Sex and Addiction in Online Communities
Lee Baldwin
Copyright Lee Baldwin 2009
@ArtOfSilence
4. Addiction
Game, Fiction, Addiction?
Visual heroin, zombie game haze, make a porno, FISH, FUBAR, red mist, fake me… whatever one calls it in whatever racy new-era argot or dark lingo, the hold on some people is undeniable. Players do talk openly of preferring the avatar relationships to the RL ones, acting out in their narcissistic soap opera their unmet ego needs.
Here I am going to let others do most of the talking, via abridged quotes from some forums.
Types of Addiction
It can be argued that all addictions follow the same structure, neurochemistry, unfelt emotions, blah blah all that psycho talk. They surface in practical ways as numerous types, so rather than developing a complete taxonomy, I’ll describe just a few.
Gambling addiction. Gamblers often feel special or touched by God when they win, and it is not the winnings per se but the feeling of overcoming life’s losses that drives them. Although some mild and compulsive gamblers do operate within limits, the social and family impact materializes as the consumption of rent money, food money, food for other basic necessities of life.
Adrenaline addiction. Adrenaline junkies derive great satisfaction when they come close to death to better appreciate living, it puts them in touch with God. Adrenaline junkies are often high-function in work and social situations. The more extreme ones will try to revise their lives to fit the addiction, such as making documentaries about their sport to allow them more time at it with an income built-in.
Alcohol and drug addiction. A current medical definition describes alcoholism as a disease and an addiction which leads to persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences. These negative consequences can be those common to gambling and include health impacts as well.
Cyber addiction. Initially termed Internet addiction disorder (IAD), cyber addiction is a problematic or pathological computer overuse that interferes with daily life.
Diseases of the brain. The only fundamentally different one in the list, it’s a mental disorder or illness, a psychological or behavioral pattern that causes emotional distress or disability.
The snips below are from the forum Second Life Addiction, and apply to many chat environments as well as other aspects of Internet addiction. Read comments in that forum for more depth. These posts are abridged to remove personal info, and simply point out the many personal stories about Internet addiction and about avatar chat in particular. Quoted posts are through October, 2009.
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I am here to offer positive example and support to those that truly want to leave SL.
Relationships: I thought I was in “love” with three different partners in my year on sl. I took all three relationships outside of sl, having rl sex with two of the three partners, and phone sex with all three. Two out of the three partners were married when I had sex with them. (My last partner was single, but an unemployed pothead with sexual fetishes, literally living in his parents basement.)
All three of these men were men that I NEVER would have connected with in real life and wouldn’t give the time of day to now. It’s not that they were all creepy (although in my post sl perspective I think they were) It’s that I had nothing important in common with any of them in real life. Why did I hook up with them? Because I fell in love with the FANTASY of perfect love, perfect sex, endless fun, all at a safe distance from my real life. When I met these people in real life I got rid of them quickly. I found out I didn’t have anything much in common with them, and that they were wanting to take the same fantasies we played out in sl into rl, and it didn’t work. Real life is REAL, not a fantasy and reality means disagreements, fights, bills, stress, imperfect sex, job loss, hair loss, weight gain, money problems, illness, aging, etc. None of my so called “loves” could stand up to the harsh light of real life day.
I had to take my sl relationship into the face to face zone in two out of three cases to rid myself of the adrenaline and the fantasy high. Emails are just as unreal as sl, so an email relationship is not reality. If you can hit the delete or backspace button and edit out your pain and anger and doubts, then the relationship is not real. Period.
Phone relationships also are not real. How do you know if the person is multitasking or not, is he watching tv with the mute button on when he has phone sex or phone footsie with you? Is there someone else in the room? You don’t know. There is privacy in phone contact that creates barriers and promotes fantasy.
Real life vs SL: Now that I have been out of sl for over a year, i have so much more energy and focus. I have a huge amount of work for my graduate program that I am now in, in addition to adjusting to a new move and I am able to handle it because I don’t numb out in sl. I could barely handle making dinner or even going to the bathroom when I was addicted to sl. I hated to leave the keyboard. I would pop something in the microwave, and run to the bathroom while it cooked so that I could minimize my time away from my club. I never tasted what I was eating. There is a whole year of movies, books, news, art, and interaction that I missed. It’s like I was locked in a time capsule for that year I was on sl.
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So I will think about my RL and what I need to fix there, and what I have lost and want back. There are still things I want from SL, but now I see that I can only have them if they are compatible with my RL.
I begin by going offline for a week, just a week, to see if I can do it. It scares me but it helps that in SL the person I am closest to has also had these feelings and we are helping each other.
Just this morning I got a email from a very good friend in SL, asking if I am coming back soon. I was tempted to go in, just for a moment, to see her and chat and explain. But I did not, and I am inordinately proud of this little achievement. 
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I hope you can get your RL back on track again, because – and this is essential, and something you will lose sight of when being in SL a lot – without it, you just won’t be here anymore, not even in SL, just not. It sounds harsh, but to me, THAT was, what pulled me out.
…my life went down the drain, too. Having just lost a lot of money, being unable to find a job and thus being stuck at home, I got drawn into SL. At first it was only meant to see if the place was really as good as the press said. Then I got interested, started doing more and more, found friends, found a lover, etc. I ended up spending full days in SL, I didn’t give my life the attention that I should… which resulted in bailiffs at my door.
…you shouldn’t focus on NOT being in SL, but on being in RL and what you want or need to do there. In a way it’s no different from what I tell people at my job every day: don’t focus on what’s wrong, but focus on what it should be and get that done.
It worked that way for me, I guess. I had to get my life back on track, or we would lose the house, I would lose my wife and family. For a while there, the only prospect I had was to become a homeless person, the guy in the street, only having the clothes he wears. That’s one thing I really did NOT want.
…a friend of mine told me that I really HAD to do something, or things would really get bad for me. He offered to help me, and I started working on what I DID want. During that time, there just was no time for SL. I thought about it, very often too. But I just had to stay out of there to be able to get my life back. So I quit cold turkey.
It wasn’t easy. There were numerous times when I wanted to get back, just logon again, dance, have sex, enjoy myself in that wonderful world…
But I knew I couldn’t. So I didn’t. I worked on my life with this friend of mine. I contacted a company that I used to work for, and they hired me!
…I realize there’s always a reason for getting sucked in SL. In almost all the posts about addiction here, I see one suffered a loss, someone else was unhappy in his life, someone was bored, etc. The mid-life crisis … could be a reason too.
SL is often an escape, and at first, it’s so beautiful. The people are so friendly, you can be whatever or who-ever you like, and they’ll accept you as you are. It’s lovely, it’s beautiful, it’s a paradise in which you can create your own world, your own person even, and just be happy. If something nasty happens, you buy yourself a gun and just blast it away. It’s only after a being in there for a long time, when you notice what’s wrong. While being in-world makes you feel good, your real body gets worse and worse for lack of sleep, lack of proper food, and you find that not caring about money has a price: it will cost you your internet connection too!
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…I actually went back to SL a couple of weeks ago. It was in my vacation, I didn’t have anything to do and suddenly, I saw this email from an old SL friend. It was in an account I hadn’t used for many months, since I’d left SL, and when I found it, I thought I needed to delete it, but before I did that, I just read through some of the mails. Most of them were just advertisements from groups I had been in in SL, some clothes or shoe stores, all of them outdated. But there was this one mail from that old friend, saying she missed me. And because I didn’t have anything else to do, I installed the viewer and logged on again. It had been over a year since my last logon, but everything was still there, my whole inventory, my beautiful avatar…
I noticed that a lot of the “old” places had gone, there were some new places that I didn’t know. Lots of people I didn’t know, and for the first time ever when I was in SL, I didn’t know anything to do! I looked up the names of some old friends, but none were inworld. So I logged off again, and went outside, to enjoy my vacation.
After that, I found myself wondering if I had missed anything in SL, if someone had logged on already, what had become of the club I used to work at as a dancer. So, that evening, I logged on again. Nothing happened. I got bored and logged off.
It took me a few weeks of logging on, getting bored and logging off every day, before I could let go again. After that I deleted my account and swore to myself that I would never go there again. It was a lot easier this time, but still, it surprised me how alluring it was.
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OMG I had no idea… no idea anyone else felt this too!! Before finding this blog I thought maybe I was the only one. But so many of these stories ring true to me and reading them I burst into tears.
I have been in SL for about 1.5 years. Initially I went in for work reasons if you can believe that… but that is not why I stayed. I stayed in SL to do things and explore parts of myself I did not even know were there before. In many ways it has been very exciting and intense. I fell in love in SL and still am. I have never spent the large amounts of time in SL that others describe (12 hours a day or more) but I have gotten drawn in anyway.
Now I never let a day pass without logging in at least once, usually several times. The idea of being away from SL for even a couple of days frightens me. I go to sleep at night thinking about what I will do in SL the next morning, and I always log in right when I wake up. I don’t read much any more. I have let a lot of projects and interests slip away. I talk to my friends and family a lot less — my SL friends are in some ways more real to me. I think I have become emotionally distant from my partner. I am crying as I write this but overall my RL seems to be fading away and does not seem interesting or colorful or fun anymore, not compared to SL.
It helps me so much to hear that there are other stories like mine. Thank you, thank you to everyone who posts here and to the blog owner too. I did think it was just me, because all my SL friends seem ok and well-adjusted but now I wonder if they really are ok. I want to get my rl back and I wonder if anyone could be so kind as to give me some advice.
For instance, is it better to go ‘cold turkey’ or to taper off gradually? Does it simply depend on the person? And I wonder what the goal should be: is it to be SL free entirely? Or simply to bring things into better balance somehow? I read also the story by [name] and he seems to have come close to the edge of losing everything, but now has balance.
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It could have been a lot worse, moneywise. SL “sells” property, being an imaginary piece of land, on which you can build houses, plant trees, etc, and the fees they charge are quite hefty. Buying a whole island would set you back for $ 1000.00, but besides that, you’d have to pay $ 295.00 every month to keep that property. Of course you can buy parts of a sim or an island, but still there’d be re-occurring costs.
Now, that’s not all. You can build stuff yourself, but mostly you’d have to buy something to put on your land. There are numerous shops for that kind of stuff in SL, and of course they have to make a living too, so they’ll charge you a considerable amount for that.
The same goes for almost everything in SL. While there is a lot of free stuff to be had in SL, if you really want the “good” (fashionable) stuff, you’ll have to pay for it. If you want to have sex, you can buy yourself a penis or a vagina, have some poseballs or a nice bed with it, and just watch your avatar going at it… And it all costs money. The deeper you get sucked in, the more money you’ll spend.
I sure hate to say this, but please don’t count on a higher authority to stop this. It’s just a game, right, something to keep people busy on the internet, AND, being on the internet, it’s hard to stop, because it’s not just in California, it’s worldwide.
For a support group, you might try http://www.olganon.org/ , they’re pretty good. Hope you can pick up your life again and move on.
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Thank you for that. Since I posted that note, I have learned so much more about this second life. There was one thing I did notice is that Linden labs, charges you every other week…the first charge that my ex had was for 70.00 for the year…okay, so why was he getting charged 21.00 every other week toward linden labs? Fraud, scam…I was under the impression of 70 for the whole year. First mistake with this company.
Second, yes we are all adults, but some are weaker, insecure of their feelings and goals in life, and like the cults of the past eras, this secondlife is another cult, drawing and preying on the weak and insecure. I hate what it has done to our relationship, but it is over and I only hope and pray with any luck that someone of higher authority will be able to put a stop to this or at least limit the activity.
He spent hundreds of dollars getting CD’s to download so that he can be this “awesome DJ” and his “friends” are his protectors. God which there was a support group. I know a long time ago there were support groups for those that were victims of dundgeons and dragons. You don’t hear too much about that one anymore. Any suggestions?
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…you’re absolutely right, SL is not a learning tool. Sure, it has been presented as such, but it just does not have what it takes to be a learning tool. How could it? You’ve seen what efforts one has to go through to be “in world”, first you have to create an avatar, only to find out that it looks like something a child would draw, compared to all the others in the game, so, in order to do anything in world, you need to make that avatar pretty, find the right hair, the right clothes, etc. Next you need to learn how to move around inworld, you’ll be amazed what it takes to climb stairs, for instance. Once you’ve achieved that, you’ve already done a lot of work, and what have you learnt? Nothing at all. There just aren’t any useful things to learn in SL, and it just isn’t the right environment for it.
SL has been presented as a new tool for teleconference, business meetings, a tool to present your business to the public, a way to do business even, like you could actually shop in SL for the right insurance, bank account, the best travels, your dream house…
It’s none of that. Why would anyone go through the hassle of setting up a virtual business in SL, to build an office there, a city maybe, when it just would not represent your business in the real world, and besides, the internet is a far better tool to draw your customers to you?
To the people in SL, it’s a way to live out fantasies. In a rather childish way, like playing with dolls, but very convincing, because there are real people behind the dolls that interact with you. You can make yourself as pretty or as tough as you like, parade around other people and show yourself off, you can be the best dancer in the world, you only buy some moves, and there you go, instant success! Of course sex is a huge part of SL, after all, people fantasize a lot about sex, so it has to be in there.
That’s how it sucks people in. You imagine you’re in this beautiful world, surrounded by beautiful people that all like you, you can have sex with anyone you like. They don’t reject you, they encourage you, they’re willing, you’re welcome everywhere you go…
Sex in SL is kind of a glorified phone sex. You don’t touch anybody, you have to do it all yourself, but that’s alright. There’s no disappointment either. Your partner doesn’t smell, doesn’t snore, doesn’t have nasty habits, and if he or she might do anything you don’t like, you can always get out. At least, that’s what you think. Because your mind won’t let you get out. It wants more of that bright happy world, and besides, people “inworld” are counting on you to be there, so you can’t let them down. So you go in again, and again, hour after hour, day after day, week after week…
Your partner (“RL-partner”, like RL is another world) nags at you, tells you you’re overdoing it, tells you to stop, but how can she know how important it has become to you? You have a RESPONSIBILITY to be there, towards those beautiful people you love. You never think of what might be behind the avatar, is your lesbian lover really a 22-yr old woman from England? Or would she actually be a fat guy in his 40′s? No, the avatar IS the person, it’s what you see all day long, so it must be right, right?
Why would a company like Linden Labs make such a game, if it’s not for education, if it wrecks so many lives? For the money, of course. Every pretty tropical island (they’re ALL tropical in SL) brings in a lot of money, every month. And the stories only help. When you’re in SL, you can tell everyone you’re doing business there. Everyone’s heard of Anshe Chung, right? If she made it, why wouldn’t you? It’s like the American Dream, everyone can be rich. Only they won’t. Most people only pay money to be in SL, only a few actually earn money. But it’s still a good excuse to be in there, also for yourself.
Wrecking lives? That’s not Linden’s responsibility. After all, everyone in SL is an adult, and they CAN always get out. Linden’s doesn’t force them to be there. It’s a free world…
Anyway, that’s what I found SL to be. I’m glad to be out.
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Oh my, I actually found what I was looking for. I read each one of the entries and I have found myself in each of you.
My ex of recent weeks, we had been together for 12 years, not married, but happy. He had been on another game called America’s Army and I totally loved that game. We had made several friends and actually did a road trip on the bike to see them. In July of 2009, a friend of ours introduced him to SL. They both tried to get me involved with it, however, I am not a very technical person and I am not very patient with many “twists and turns” to create an avatar.
Anyway, he became immersed in this game. He would come home from work, grab a beer, give me a kiss and off to his game he went. During the week he would be online from 6 pm until 1 am and over the weekend on for at least 12-16 hours with this game.
The straw that ruptured us was one night I had to get something out of his “cave” as I call it, and there he was on SL, with his Avatar, fornicating with another one. What the hell was going on? Was this possible and who was she? He told me that it was just a game, that he had only done it twice. BS I said. It became apparent that his SL life was taken a much more realistic look into his own life.
He gradually turned more to his “girlfriends” to discuss our relationship and then without warning, he told his “girlfriends” that he was moving out and left me there wondering what the hell just happened.
What are we supposed to do? All the literature on SL says that it is a learning tool. What kind of learning tool? One that teaches our spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners, to cheat on one another? Does it teach them to leave their RL behind and pursue their dreams in SL. To me this is a cult, not a learning tool. If it was a learning tool to educate, then why do they permit sexual relationships in this game? I need some answers and everyone that I have spoken to, have said exactly what you folks have said in a nutshell…bad news. I feel for each and everyone of you because I know what you all are going through.
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…you’re doing the right thing. My husband’s SL addiction dates back to 2005. He agreed to stop and to go to counseling. In 2008, I discovered he was still in contact with his SL lover and still secretly conducting SL activities from work. His SL lover appeared to have backed off ‘the sex part’ when she discovered the turmoil happening in our real life. (Whoop de doo, what a moral person). I was middle aged and unemployed. I chose to stay and very much wanted things to be ‘the way they were before’. It takes about two years to get over the hurt. We are still together. Happily? I can’t say so. On the face of it we seem fine. Do I trust him? No. Are we as close as we were a long time ago? No.
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Unplug the computer, throw it away if necessary, confiscate all money, credit cards etc. If she walks out – let her. If you walk out, you run the risk of losing your home as she won’t be paying bills obviously. She will wake up fast enough – I assure you.
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The truth is, SL swallows people whole, and though your wife is there with you, she actually isn’t. She’s in her other life, in a whole different world, being someone completely different, probably, being happy there, or at least, that’s what she thinks. You’ve noticed that there’s nothing in the real world that can get her out of there, not you having surgery, not your son, not the need to wash or eat, just nothing.
Some people have tried going in there to to reconnect with their spouse, to take her back to Kansas, so to speak. You might try that, but to be honest with you, I don’t think that’s gonna work. Spending so much time in SL, there must be a community she belongs to. That may be some clan, like a vampire group, or a Gor community, it may be a club in which she found “friends”, and if she has to do, like you say, “important things” in SL, then there probably is some kind of obligation. She could be working, as a dancer or something, and there will be social pressure for her to be on there. If you connect to SL, and barge in as a newbie into her group, providing you can find it, then she’ll probably tell you to leave or eject you from there herself – or worse. Though I’m really ashamed to admit it, when I was addicted to SL, the last person I wanted to meet in there was my wife. There is a reason for people becoming very secretive when they get immersed in SL – and it usually isn’t pretty.
The only way to really stop it, is to cut the network connection. But if you do that, she will certainly find that a hostile act, and it will probably turn into a fight. She’ll be mad at you for kicking her out of her world, making it impossible for her to do the important things she has to. There won’t be a happily ever after, and you’ll probably lose her if you do that.
There is always another way, you could move out of course (out of your own house!), but I really think the only way to end this involves drastic measures, like damaging her computer or cutting the network. On the other hand, if nothing happens, she’ll just become worse and worse. Being up for 20+ hours a day, being concentrated behind a computer screen all the time, wears one out and makes one sick. I know, I’ve been there, and from what you’re telling, I wasn’t in as deep as your wife. I got out because I really had to, my life was going down the drain.
I’m sorry, I can’t give you a clear cut advice on what to do. She’s not going to respond to reason, and cutting her off will definitely drive her mad as hell. But I’m afraid that’s the only way.
Wishing you all the strength you can get to deal with this,
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Hi everyone. My wife is addicted to sl and i need help dealing with it. She becomes quite irritable with me whenever i talk to her about sl, and our son can’t say or do anything around her without being yelled at. She is on every waking hour just about, pulling all nighters on there, then just staying up as long as its daytime again to do it all over. She has stayed up 40 plus hours straight because she has important things to do on there. I finally searched out this group after what happened this week. Just for background info, i am thr only one in the house who works. I come home and cook and do other household chores because nothing ever gets done otherwise. I had to have surgery on my leg two days ago, and am in a certain amount of pain as you can imagine. Yesterday being the day after surgery i had to get up and cook for my family because she was so busy on sl she didnt realize our son was hungry and needed to go to bed to get up for school in tje morning. I had to carry her dinner to the computer. I felt like total shit, physically and emotionally. I can’t go back to work for 2 weeks, all of which i have to basically sit here and listen to her do her thing. I wish i knew what i could say to her to improve the situation, but no matter how kindly i suggest less time on sl, she gets mad and says she’s an adult and i cannot tell her what to do. Is there any hope for me?
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It must be very hard for you, with two young children, to find yourself alone with your husband only having eyes for Second Life. The best thing you can do now is leave him and build a life for yourself, difficult as that may be. Yet it’s the only way. If he’s that addicted, he won’t just snap out of it, and it will only get worse. I hope you can find a place to stay for you and your children, and find a way to go on with your life.
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My own experience with the game was interesting, intense and quite immersive. For two years I got into what my avatar represented, staying in for many hours at a time. At the most immersed I spent 16 – 18 hours inside SL. Reality occupied a distant second place. I learned many things about myself, but I also lost myself in the immersive environment and in the interactions with the people I met there. For all purposes, SL had become my life. It was only through my family that I was able to pull out of the game, recover, and keep on living in the real world. I’m happy to say that I’ve been SL clean for the past 6 months, and I’ve never felt better.
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please help me i’m leaving my husband who is addicted to sl we have two childern ages 4 and a 3 month old that he ignors i pray and pray and pray
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In trying to kick my own addiction to Second Life, I started to research addiction to immersive virtual reality worlds. What differentiates SL is there is nothing else like it. There is no goal, it is wide open. Not everyone becomes addicted, not all virtual reality platforms are in and of themselves “bad”. However, so many people come into SL with good intentions, exploring, class assignment, researching for ways to use SL in productive ways. But, many of these people get sidetracked. Not all people with addictive personalities get hooked and not all people with no addictive propensities don’t. There are innumerable outlets in SL to find an addiction.
Second Life is like visual herion. The intense emotions become experience, brain chemicals don’t know the difference between real and virtual. You become addicted to the adreneline rush of whatever tantalizes you there. And when, whatever addiction – be it an intense romantice relationship, building, roleplay, money, power, celebrity, burns out-the habit of SL allows you to find another relationship or whatever, because your brain craves and needs that drug.
I’ve read this blog for years, but always rationalized. It’s a game, right? Just cartoons. However, as you delve deeper into the visual, you lose touch with the real world. You disconnect, dissociate. You perfer your SL relationships over real ones. Your brain is plugged in, your brain begins to see all the cartoon dancing, sex and builds, as real. Because it’s emotion, attachment, experience.
Second Life isn’t going anywhere and people will not stop becomming addicted. Education about SL is the only way. Discussing the dangers that can leave families in ruins, children ignored. Just like other addictions, help and support groups and educated therapists will be needed as the probem becomes more wide spread. Just like alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, education can help those not familiar with SL.
I read in a previous post about protecting our children. There are virtual reality games for kids, like Habbo Hotel, where you can actually buy Habbo Hotel currency, just as in SL..with real money. Unfortunately, these games are priming many of these kids to graduate to more tantalizing immersive virtual reality worlds. So many parents just don’t have the information, they look like harmless cartoons.
Again, virtual reality has it’s place and it’s inevitable. But immersive VR worlds like SL is not a game and the potential for addiction is great and addictions affect everyone…remember…the 1st priority of an addict is his/her addiction.
I’m an addict. I’ve been one for 5 years. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve quit, cancelled accounts, reinstated them, how much money I’ve spent, how much I’ve missed in my real life, how much of that time cannot be reclaimed. And I can’t just “check in” without being there for the next five hours. When we lose connection with our real bodies which sits in front of the computer for hours, and our mind and emotions are immersed in a world of no responsiblity, a belief of no moral boundaries, an “I can do and be whatever I make up”, when in time it becomes no longer satisfying, just a race to find the next fix, trying to capture what got us there in the first place, everyone loses except Second Life a place that really doesn’t care if you are there or not.
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Thanks, SGA. We are all doing much better now. My relationship with my children is very strong and we all continue to honor the memory of their father.
That’s the one area of RL I was able to keep private in SL. My hurt, my pain, and my true love for my children and my late husband was for me only!
I just want to say that SL itself is not just addictive, it’s the Bloodlines game, the Sion chickens and other money making side projects that target your pocket. I ended up spending $800 of my RL money for what…to carry the title of Queen? I took away money from my kids just to have a title and have some fake love life with a guy that didn’t even flinch when I told him I was leaving SL. As a matter of fact, he replaced me in less that a week after I left. Real love, huh?
Oh, I can’t forget some of the dark places I ventured in to while exploring SL. One actually made me physically ill after going there. People can say that it’s fantasy, but one would have to question another’s sanity after observing some of the things I observed at this one particular place. Of course, I drank blood and spiked people as a vampire, so who am I to judge? *laughs*
All that is left to say is that my heart really goes out to those who have a loved one who is addicted to SL. Current and former SL addicts can never replace human interaction, human touch, human affection with a avatar, no matter how hard you try. It’s trying to realize that and live in the RL that is the hardest thing once you get used to the SL thing.
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Clover, it always breaks my heart to hear people say ‘they are in limbo’. I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak, with what you say about the needing to know why part. So many people have asked themselves that same question through out time, lol for one reason or another. Sadly this is a question all addicts need to answer themselves-not just gamers or serial cheaters- to get to the place that ends the bad behaviors.
The truth is that it most likely has little to do with you, so try not to blame yourself too much. I know as women we feel the need to nurture & fix things. Although you can help heal your marriage, only he can heal himself. I am glad to hear he is now getting help and that you are willing to stay and try to work things out again. Perhaps you should view this as a start to real recovery rather than limbo. Hey positive mental attitude can only help right, ha? ha!
Besides no matter the answer it never justifies the betrayals from the behaviors. Much less the devastation it causes partners or family. If you take some time and read through the many, many pages of posts here they all have a lot of things in common. Yet the most common denominator I get from them all is loneliness and trying to fill a void of some kind. I think that’s why gaming is so much more easy to become addicted to and has become such a problem now. Just as Anon. Lucy says below, it is as simply as shutting yourself off and thinking your escaping by turning the computer on. Good luck and keep your chin up!!!
Anon Lucy I am glad to hear you have come out of the ‘zombie game haze’ and can now try to cope with the tragic death of your husband and healing your family. Your kids really need you right now and you should be very proud of them for being able to express themselves so well for their age. Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no shame in that. Yet, what would be a shame now is to let the precious times of life with them pass you by in front of a computer. I am glad you realize that now and can unplug and tune into your family instead. That is the best thing you could ever do to honor your husbands memory. I know life can be scary, but letting it pass you by is the most frightening thing of all. Be brave ladies:)
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I have lived my life in SL for four months. I was the queen of a vampire clan with my only SL partner by my side ruling as my King. Oh, I thought I was in love, boy was I wrong.
I realized that I started to have a problem when I started letting my chores around the house go, when I started unplugging my phone so I would not be interrupted, when I began to focus my entire day around what I was going to do in SL. My whole behavior changed, I became tempermental if I was questioned about what I was doing on SL, etc. I stopped spending time outside of my home with my kids, family and friends. I just wasted away behind that screen with drinks, pillows and blankets, numb to the outside world that existed beyond SL.
One day, my kids confronted me with tears. Each said that they were sick and tired of having to come to the computer room to get attention, how we never had family dinner together, etc. That day, I took a good long look and I cried so hard because I had failed as a mother just to be part of the SL game.
My husband died in IRAQ last year, I was lonely, and was looking for something to occupy my time. Unaware of the possibility of loosing control, I put all my time and effort into that game. My “King” wasn’t there for me to pick up the pieces when I left, the people who really loved me were.
SL is a great place if you are just looking to explore and have a little fun on a rainy day. Beyond that, it becomes an obsession.
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Thanks for the advice Peach, I wanted to protect the children from this but easier said then done they r in early teens and have heard us discuss it and yes sometimes shout about it. Yes it was my fault for letting him join my sl family but it brought us so close and we even got marrried in sl with all my friends there, I played the game very differnt from my husband, yes I flirted while out and about,but we had boundries and he crossed them on every level 3 times, she called him all the time and they talked for hours in the middle of the night, I checked the cell bills after he got caught for the third time, and I did not go back on sl much at all since the first time he got caught, I came on only 2 see him since he works out of town, but while I was with him, he was in Im with her and then sneaking to be her after I went off line, it hurts more then I could ever exspress here. He is getting help and I may join in soon, the probelm with trusting him again is that he cant tell me why he did it, what was missing in us that leads him back to his fantasy with her. Intill he can figure that out I am in limbo and thats a tough place to be!
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I cannot help but think that when a person goes to sl and is prepared to trade those who love and care for them in reality for anonymous avatars from God knows where who may not even be the sex they think then is it really worth keeping the relationship? Lack of loyalty and honesty kills trust which in turn causes the loss of respect – basically the relationship is finished from then on. Honestly – who needs to love someone who drops them for total strangers – could even save time by blind folding and donating the offending second life player to the next stranger who walks out of the supermarket… it does actually equate to that anyway.
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Clover, although you do have a right to be mad at this so-called friend. The person that really deserves most (if not all) of the blame is your husband!!! It’s very easy to put all your anger into the other woman as it’s easier to be mad at a stranger than deal with the real issues at the heart of your problems which is your marriage and your husbands betrayals. And yes you have a right to be mad at yourself because in a way you helped create the problem by encouraging him to go back into the game after you knew he was already cheating on you there. Sort of like taking someone you know is an alcoholic to a bar for ‘just one drink’ thinking it won’t harm them or you as 1 drink is really no big deal, lol.
You say you were in a ‘roommate phase’ which means you were already having problems before this virtual cheating started. You say you ‘healed over the Summer’ but apparently that wasn’t the case on his part since he is still sneaking around with this other person. Since he now claims ‘the game is for losers’ I would be more worried about them cheating & getting together in real life more than just in the game. Especially if he is texting her while away on business as this is usually a natural progression for most players who fake partner in the game. I know there are some that will claim the game saved their marriage and is a great place to date their real life spouse,ect..ect… Yet for the most part this is just a cover for an already troubled situation that usually ends in a similar pattern to yours with them partnering up with others & claiming their marriage is now better than ever, lol!!!
Lets be real & clear, going outside the marriage never makes things better in the marriage. And putting effort into other people & situations certainly doesn’t count as working on your marriage or making it better-in or out of the game. HA! HA! It seems you have confronted him on the latest things you have found and he now claims it’s over-again. Yet I know that must sound fake and hollow since as you say you have already heard this once before. At this point all you can do to heal this situation is make what you want & expect from him very clear. This means you might have to give up the game yourself if you expect the same from him-are you ready for that? Set clear boundaries, as in no talking or communication with the other woman-including no meeting up in the game, texts or IM’s outside of the game as well.
Perhaps he thinks this is ‘not real cheating’ since it is just in the game and not in real life as many have made that claim before him, lol. Yet if he is sneaking around creating Alts and sneaking off to be with her, than we both know the answer is that it is indeed real cheating. On some levels he knows this too, but being surrounded by others in world who claim this is acceptable behavior makes it even easier to convince himself he isn’t in the wrong and that it’s still no big deal. Trust me, I learned that with my own husband who was being told by his entire guild to partner up with someone and that it was no big deal as ‘everyone does it in world’ lol! Then as soon as he did this the guild started to pressure him (as well as pressure from the new wife who was single in the real world) to meet up in real life despite them all knowing he was married in real life—see a pattern there with addicts trying to make others as miserable as themselves?!?
SL isn’t a real game it’s more of a fake soap-opera and people crave drama to keep the otherwise boring place going and make it all seem exciting and more real, nothing more. What surprises me is that men would be so into this since in real life most wouldn’t waste 2 minutes watching a soap-opera on TV. And are usually the first ones to claim what a waste of time they are, lol!!! Perhaps you should try couples counseling also as this may open up the lines of communication that were stalled even before the latest events in SL.
The one thing that is certain is that your kids should not know or be put into the middle of your adult situations!!! Leave them out of it and let them remain children. They will learn the jaded ways of the world soon enough on their own without your mess. Children should not have to choose sides in their own homes and pitting them against their father by letting them know ‘daddy is at it again’ might seem like a good guilt trip to use but children should not be used as weapons-not even with the good intention of saving your marriage!!! You didn’t say the ages of your kids so perhaps they are not clueless and if nothing else over hear the fights between you two? Yet a child (of any age) wants their home to be their safe sanctuary from the world and it seems this is not the case if they are losing faith in their father due to extra marital affairs via the computer or in real life. As a child of divorce I can tell you it’s no fun living in a home where your parents fight, argue, or live like unknown roommates and that this affects not only their own self-esteem but the rest of their lives and the way they love others in return. Sadly the only answer here is to work at saving your marriage and that involves trust. The question is whether the two of you can re-gain it enough to believe in sticking it out? If not then perhaps you already know the hard truths ahead of you & your children. I wish you the best of luck and please keep us posted!!!
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My marriage is on a rocky path since my husband joined the game, I was on 1 1/2 before he decided to check it out for himself, we were in a roomate faze in our marriage intill he came in the game and swept me off my feet. At first I told only my best friend that my new man was my rl husband but I let the bomb drop after a month of being out with him and is so funny 2 know how shocked all my friends were. My best friend warned me not to share our happiness with others because there would be someone there who would try to break us up, well she was right is was another of my best friends, she got in his IM everytime we got online, she wouldnt even give him a chance to rezz, they both swore they were only friends and I believed them, only to find out he had made a alt to sneak on just to be with her. My heart is broken and I now mis trust my husband and hate her. We healed and went back to sl a little this summer but he was never on much because he said it was for losers and then I got a text that he meant to send her and I found out they were doing it again behind my back, so every time he leaves to go to work {out of town} for his 4 days I am thinking they r calling eachother and sneaking on sl again, he says its over this time, BUT i HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE, we have 2 kids who lost a lot of faith in there dad when they found out he did it again just as I was trying to get back trust . I hate this woman so much, she is unhappy in her rl marriage and will suck the life out of any man that is willing 2 here her complain!
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cathy: It sounds as though you know what you have to do, you just don’t want to do it. If your RL family is worth keeping, you have to quit SL and never look back. There is no such thing as dipping in for a quick roll in the hay. It is all or nothing, and you need to choose nothing, or nothing is what you will end up with in RL. You can do this. You love your children. If you don’t love your husband, then that is a separate problem, but it is also a problem that SL won’t help you solve (and if you do love him, you absolutely need to stop twisting this knife between his ribs, which I promise you is what SL feels like to him).
An alcoholic can’t have “just one drink,” ever. You can’t log in – you just have too much to lose. What you can do is talk to your husband about why you craved the experiences you found in SL, and help him help you find some of those experiences with him in the world he and your kids inhabit. You have taken an enormous, important step by coming here and telling your story. Please keep that success going by walking away from SL, and recommitting to your family. I really hope to see you posting of your success at doing just that.
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i started SL in march because i was bored with porn, i became addicted instantly. my husband was working abroad so i could stay on SL all night long even though i have 3 young children {luckily i have a nanny] i am an active person always busy and good at taking care of myself,but i found myself lying in bed for hours on the laptop, i had loads of lovers and fell in love twice for men that weren’t interested in having a relationship. i suppose if i’m honest i was looking for someone to love me..i’m a romantic. then one night i met a man who was heartbroken from a relationship,i’m a person that likes to help people and we spent a lot of hours talking and gradually i felt that he was drawing me to him, he was interested in me.he knew i was a slut on SL and would ask me if i was ever going to have a serious relationship on SL, suddenly i don’t know how it happened but i was deeply in love with him,even giving him my real name.disaster struck when my husband read some of our conversation.i was forbidden to ever go on again,of course i was right back on whenever i could and got caught 4 times, each time an horrific fight would happen with him threatening to leave me and me not bothered just thinking about keeping this mans identity secret. i have now had to swear to a terrifying promise that i can’t even write into words never to go back on SL. its been a tough time for my husband and i and i’m damaged by the whole experience. i think constantly about my avatars and my life in SL and want to be back there but i know its wrong. day by day i’m slowly drifting from it, but i really miss the sex and wander can i just slip on for that and not get pulled in again. SL consumes your life and takes over,
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Hello SL addicts, I used to be 120% addicted as well, I am guilty of it, of it all.
Its been ages I dont come here a blog that really helped me by reading and sharing similar stories to mine. Being off-sl can be done and life changes completly.
I had to find boredom plateau. Yes, for me it was all the same, stupidity and falseness everywhere that is SL. Disappointments everywhere. SL its really boring but you need to find it out for yourself, with long many hours, before discovering it.
But what a big price to pay for that cheap game?
I am still paying my excesses. So I urge you to please become bored of SL as soon as you can, its very dumb and dull once you think of it.
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Ok, I think I have done it. I deleted all my inventory. All the good skins, all the valuable items. Otherwise it will not work. I tried many times. Uninstall and install…uninstall and install. I’ve been addicted for 4 months. Maybe it doesnt seem a lot, but it is 4 months of my RL!!! During this time I wasnt reading books, wasnt waching TV, didnt wach movies (and if i did, i did the brakes all the time to log in for a while). I couldnt focus on my studies. I didnt do my HWs. I didnt think i am addicted. I had my limits in SL. I never did sex with married guy. At least, I always asked first if he was. Never wanted a SL relationship. Never took money for sex. So I thought I have all it in control. So why I just couldnt delete it?? I ate my time and thoughts. For nothing. And obviouslly I didnt have a control of the situation, the control was an illusion.
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Be so proud of yourself. You are doing great. pat yourself on the back and enjoy life again as you have been doing. You inspire those still addicted. Best of luck!!! You have your life back
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Well, I am back from vacation and have a few weeks off before my next semester begins in school. It was fun to go on a vacation. (I went to visit some friends in a part of the country I hadn’t been in awhile). When I was addicted to SL, I never wanted to go out of town because I couldn’t be certain that I would have a stable internet connection to use to connect to SL. I had to travel for my job, back when I was addicted to SL, and I used to try to get back to my hotel room as quickly as possible so that I could play SL. Internet connections in hotels are very shaky, and often, I would not have a stable connection and I would freak out. This doesn’t even address the huge problem that I was not interacting with any of my co workers or clients, but was sitting in a hotel room playing a fantasy life. This time it was great to get out of town. I walked around, I saw a couple of movies, I had dinner out with friends. I didn’t check my email for a couple of days. That’s so different than my SL addicted days.
Sometimes when I couldn’t get a stable SL connection in my hotel room when I was out of town, I would go to a Starbucks and play there. Now my club was raunchy, so it was really strange for me to be playing SL, with headphones on, in Starbucks. It seems so strange to me that I would have been that addicted that I had to go to play.
Anyway, just some thoughts…
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As a newbie, I learned of the slave and master thing. It attracted me for some reason. I suppose the danger and I repeatedly tried to get this man to make me into an sl slave. I had friends in sl that said you are crazy but I didn’t care. It seemed fun and harmless. He didn’t want an sl slave. He wanted a real one. He was into telling me what to do and what to say, making me address him as sir and I found it fascinating. Sick? Sure, but still it seemed only a game. I asked him what it would entail to be a real slave. He told me we would talk on the phone first, then we would meet and from there if we liked one another he would draw up a contract and I would become his slave. He was married. I often wondered what he looked like. Of course I never went down that road. If I log on he will say things like I am not following my true calling and that I know what I really want and will never be happy until I do it and that all of us “women” really just want to be sluts.
Scary! But that’s what you get on sl if you look for it.
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In my experience on SL, back in the time when it was at it’s media-hyped height, most of the predatory behavior was around money and sex, (sometimes both). Full time unemployed or marginally employed SL veterans would prey on the new players, many who were like me and had good jobs and money. I would constantly get hit on for loans, tips, escorting services, be asked to pay “salaries” for “consulting” on where to find things in SL, have people try to charge me for all sorts of things. Once I had a few months in the game, a long time veteran that I had become friends with told me that he could tell right away when a new player came on, if they had real income and he would charge them more for land, building, and whatever he could get. There were all sorts of seminars at SL’s media peak, on how to make a real income in SL, most of those seminars involved preying on new players in some way. Even most of the SL stores, charge much much more for clothing, etc than the items should cost. It is not until a person is in SL for awhile that that they realize that they are massively overpaying for things. For my first 6 months on SL, I was shelling out a couple of hundred dollars a month in REAL money, just for clothes, tips, land, gadgets, etc. By the end I was making a little money, but by that time I had shelled out some serious money on SL.
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Looking at statistics, 1% of society are psychopathic. This does not sound a lot until you realise that that is 1 out of every 100 people. As sl is a place that would draw individuals that are looking for a kind of ‘victim’ – even if they conveniently place those as ‘fantasy fodder’ it goes without saying that the estimate would be a whole lot higher. They would also feel quite entitled to play with the chosen victim as they would see that it was fair game as the victim was online there in the first place ie, basically asked for it. Some of the worst killers have been termed as Narcissistic Fantasists’. All this is easily verifiable with research.
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When I found out how deep my wives addiction was. I started to look to see how much I could find out about the man she was talking to. I did not know what kind of person he was so I needed to know. So within just a few hours of looking I had his cell phone and house and work number. As well as the address of all of the above. What was even more disturbing was I knew his wives name and where she worked and even more scary his daughters school.
Second Life is dangerous because some or most people let to much info out. I want every one to know that the only reason that I checked him out was to see if my family was in danger. I have been lucky so far he seems to be no danger to my family or me. I just wonder if he knows how much danger he can put his family or himself in just by playing sl.
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The reason I enjoy these posts is it confirms things I said to my partner all along. When he became addicted I constantly questioned him about the info he was sharing in world. He swore you had to stay in character or you could be banned from the game/guild. Yet funny everyone in his guild knew where we/everyone lived and what each other did for a living despite playing Vampires 24/7. Lots of very personal details were shared in the group which I took as very scary warning signs as a real problem. Hell he even took pics of his real work clothes to wear them and other real clothes in SL which others used to find out even more info about us and our location.
When everyone in the group finally figured out he and another female lived close. They/she constantly pressured him to meet up in real life and for them to ‘marry’ in the game and ‘make it real’ for every ones fantasy. Despite all (including the female) claiming it was all just a game and that I (his real wife) was the one with the problem as none of their real partners had problems and hey they were all of ‘professional job status’ so that must mean they were all normal, lol right? These are all things he would never do with strangers in the real world. He never cheated in real life, but I certainly felt cheated on when I found out he had married in the game and all that was going on! Yet in SL he was just another silly addict to into their SECOND LIFE to care about their real first one or the real damage it was causing. Thank God we worked REALLY HARD at changing things around. Now that he can see beyond the SL game haze he realizes how foolish and dangerous he was being.
Hearing the posts here lets me know I was right to do be so worried. And that I am not the only one thinking these ‘paranoid’ thoughts about using games or the internet to do damage to others. Look at all the harm written about SL in these posts. That’s proof enough to me that SL is already a ‘serial killer’ whether a real one ever shows up to anyones door or not. Ha! Ha!
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Vanity, your posts are valuable to me because they are honest. When I was on sl I deliberately DIDN’T look up people’s real information because that would have ruined the fantasy for me. I wanted to be in a cloud of denial. If I had known up front all the details of my friends and partners I would not have been able to immerse myself in the fantasy. Knowing a bit more about people I gave my cell phone number, email and real name to would have been a good idea, but hey, I was an addict in denial.
On the flip side, people looked me up all the time and then triumpantly shared personal info about me to other people on sl. I once had someone ask me for a job because someone had done some research and found out where I worked. Needless to say, I started toning down what I shared with people after that…
It wasn’t just outside of sl that people tried to find stuff out. There were many people on sl that would obsessively save and notecard EVERY conversation they had, and then they would cut and paste snippets of the conversations to other people to cause drama, or would cut and paste pieces of past conversations into present ones to point out inconsistencies. I always found this very creepy. In sl one should NEVER assume privacy, even in im sex, etc. It’s all just part of the general creepiness that can happen in sl.
What always used to creep me out were people who created alts to spy on their so called “loves” or who would have different avatars, all partnered to different people. I think that pretty much sums up in metaphor how sl relationships are not real. The avatar you are partnered to, may have 10 alts partnered to ten other people, or at least one other alt that has a full sl life, including a partner.
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It bugs me that someone might think of my words as disturbing, I admit to that.
BUT I also want to mention that I am a mother of two girls. I, at some point, will share my acquired knowledge with them. To warn them of the creatures that are out there, that you don’t want to meet in a dark alley at night, or the last train for the day. I have met men like that, I know the influence a close person can have, it’s freakishly close. And when that happens and no one in your life says “gosh, youre so stupid, you gotta stop!” (like it happened to me before) then maybe, to read a different opinion from a stranger on a blog, might make you halt for a second to think clearly.
So, if someone addicted to SL is reading this and feels a connection to this mindset, I would happily take every criticism. Bringing me back to the origin of this blog about the over use of SL.
You may find friends in the oddest times in your life, but you may also find a freak in disguise.
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Vanity, please do not go – your post was very interesting and it is the kind of thing that should be read by anyone who is trying to get away from being tied to sl. I also like to research things, in this case, every aspect of second life. It does make me so annoyed to see the way linden make out that it is such a marvellous tool – but they say next to nothing about the destructive side. What is most sickening is that the users literally pay money to have their lives ruined in one way or another. This blog really is the only place where all the information has been collected on how destructive it is, so I think the more opinions and ideas the better to help those struggling see the truth of second life.
In the short time I was there I conducted a small experiment. I asked around 20 odd people whether they would close their eyes and pick a phone number out of their phone book, phone that number and tell the person on the other end of the line all their details. Not one would. It seems that because the little cartoon avatars around them look normal – they are willing to share all. Now that is disturbing…
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Julie : I researched details to see how far one can go with little information in a short amount of time.
Kit : I didn’t mean for my post to be disturbing, but am aware that I wasn’t talking about fluffy puppies.
I also didn’t write this for the shock factor, I’m a non expert and perhaps a bit paranoid (in the -common sense- use of the word). It’s a thought, I had that’s been running through my head occasionally, an assumption, a question, just a statement really.
If it’s too disturbing, delete me.
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Vanity has been honest and open enough to share some things on here. He/she is aware enough to know that what he/she does might sound sick to others. Although isn’t this a form of what all sl addicts are on sl for? They aren’t exactly on it to be solitary and mind their own business. I think with the fantasy element making things seem better than in reality, stalking and spying are bound to be very prevalent. Vanity is the harmless one, it would be the one with repressed boundless rage doing the same thing as Vanity that you would not wish to meet on a dark night in reality. Vanity, what drove you to so thoroughly research people – you mentioned ‘filling in the puzzle’?
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Far before discovering SL, being somewhat paranoid myself, I always tried to find out more about people with the help of the internet. Having the idea of someone spying on me, like I was spying on them. In my time on SL, I’ve met several people that casually mentioned details of their RL. Having these details I’ve been able to find out where they life exactly, phone numbers, relatives names, other user accounts on different sites (i.e. accumulating information with more details to fill the puzzle). Sounds sick I know, but having in mind the mindset of a sociopath/serial killer, I wanted to find the most I could.
I’m nowhere close to ever harm anyone, but there are people out there, that will use all this to make someone a DESIRABLE target. Desirable because, knowing sex life details, fantasies, at best even real fears, that I think would have to make it more interesting to torture/kill someone.
Is that a too far fetched thought? I don’t know. But thinking about how much time some people spend in SL, some people should be more careful.
Glossary this Chapter
Abridged posts in this chapter are from the Metaverse Journal, Second Life Addiction:
http://www.metaversejournal.com/2007/01/10/addiction-sl-as-the-double-edged-sword/
Hitchhikers Guide to The Chatting World:
http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Hitchhikers-Guide-to-The-Chatting-World